The One Thing You Need to Do if You Want to Stop Worrying All the Time

It’s obvious but I’ll bet it hasn’t occurred to you.

Photo by Simon Abel on Unsplash

I love writing about worrying. Why? Because it is so influential in so many of our lives, and not in a good way.

It’s corrosive, destructive and can hijack our lives…if we let it.

Many of you have heard of the great quotes about worrying.

Like this one from Mark Twain:

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, most of which never happened.”

Or this one from Thomas Jefferson:

“How much pain they have cost us, the evils which have never happened!”

And what I consider to be the most important and relevant one, from Eckhart Tolle:

“Worry pretends to be necessary, but serves no useful purpose.”

This last one carries within it the crux of today’s article. It’s about the truth of worrying, which is obvious: It doesn’t do us any good.

What we need to do

And that leads to the one thing we need to do if we are to curb the insidious invader of our souls, worrying. Which is this:

We need to acknowledge and embrace the fact that worrying is harmful to us.

Huh? What the hell does that even mean, Gerken?

What that means is, most people don’t look at worrying that way. They hate it and they know it sucks, but they don’t go to the next step which is to actually do something about it.

Three reasons we worry

Why don’t most people do something about their worrying? I see three reasons.

First is that they conclude, incorrectly, that worrying is just part of life and is inevitable. It’s not. We don’t have to worry. Period. Full stop.

Second, we worry because we think it will do us some good. Examples? I have to worry about my:

-Client presentation

-Tennis tournament match

-SAT test

-Overall financial situation

Why? Because worrying about these things will give me an edge. The fear will light a fire under my butt and allow to perform at my highest.

Wrong. Fear and worrying do not offer the path to the highest level of performance.

Calm confidence trumps worry

What does? Confidence. Calm. Presence. Devoting all of our energy to the task at hand. Not worrying about it.

What would that look like in the above examples?

-Focus as hard as you can on the details and quality of your client presentation.

-Put all of your attention on match preparation, like hydrating, stretching and visualizing shots you’ll hit.

-Concentrate as much as you can taking practice SAT tests and honing in on areas you need to improve on.

-Place 100 percent of your energy on making the money you need to make in order to ease your financial situation.

The third area where we allow ourselves to worry is the most insidious and involves some tough love. Please hear me out.

Seeing worry as virtuous

It’s when worrying actually makes us feel good about ourselves. I’m sure you see where this is going.

The most salient example is the tortured, worrying mom. This too often translates to,

“I just love my kids so much that I can’t stop worrying about them.”

Is their best friend treating them well? Are they going to flunk math? Does the boyfriend have pure intentions? Are they going to get into the college they have their heart set on?

This often bleeds into the people around you who say,

“Wow, what a great mom. She suffers so much for those kids.”

Now, before all the moms out there jump on me, you have to know one thing: I am and always have been a major dad worrier.

I’m a major dad worrier

I’m in the same boat and have done the same thing with silently patting myself on the back for torturing myself by worrying about my three kiddos.

That’s why this subject is so near and dear to my heart.

As many of you know, the worry subject has been front and center this past week with my eldest heading off to college. It’s been hard for him. Nothing serious. Just garden variety homesickness.

And I have to check myself from drifting into incessant worrying. How do I do that? It’s not rocket science, people. It’s all about reminding myself of one thing:

Worrying about Hank hurts me and serves no useful purpose. If it helped him in any way then great, I’d worry. But it doesn’t.

The win-win of not worrying

And something else to drive into your noggin is the fact that not worrying is a win-win. How?

First, because we don’t tie our stomach up in knots worrying.

But win number two is even more important and it’s this:

The more present we are and the less we act out of fear, the more helpful we can be to our loved ones.

Bottom line: When we freak out and worry ourselves to death over our little ones, we aren’t doing anybody any good.

Stopping worrying is hard

Having said that, stopping worrying on a dime is difficult, if not impossible. Most of us have been doing it our whole lives, thinking it’s either inevitable, helpful, virtuous, or somebody combination of the three.

The point of this article is that it’s none of those three things.

Step number one on the road to less worrying is acknowledging that.

I hope you’ll take this to heart. Think of how much anxiety you’ll cut out of your life if you cut down on your worrying.

The takeaway

Let’s end by going back to Eckhart’s powerful quote, which captures this whole point:

“Worry pretends to be necessary, but serves no useful point.”