Comparing Ourselves to Others does All Harm, No Benefit

I offer a healthy way to deal with it.

Two weeks ago I wrote about why judging others is all bad, no good.

Today, I’m writing about judging’s first cousin: Comparing.

Now I know only a few reading this can relate to comparing yourselves to others and that the vast majority of you have never done so, but please bear with me…

THAT WAS A JOKE!

We all compare

Of the eight billion human beings on Earth, I’ll bet 99.9 percent have done the comparing thing. It’s endemic to our species. In fact, it’s so pervasive that we all think it’s okay so we don’t even think about it.

Well, it’s not okay. It’s injurious to our mental health and overall well-being. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that we can do something about it, which I’ll get to.

But first, let’s clarify what comparing ourselves to others looks like. See if these ring a bell.

- Your college roommate has made a ton of money on Wall Street the past thirty years, has a nice apartment on the Upper West Side and a house in the Hamptons. But he’s divorced and has an awful family life.

You have been a high school math teacher since you graduated and have precious little in the bank. BUT…You have a great marriage and two happy teenage kids. You win!

- One of the moms at your kids’ school has a perfect body, is stunningly beautiful and drives a Toyota Minivan. Your looks compared to hers? Not even close. But you have better jewelry and drive a Mercedes SUV, which softens the looks differential.

I will now turn, reluctantly, to MY rich history of playing the comparing game. The three worlds I have immersed myself in – tennis, politics and Hollywood writing – all stirred up a hornet’s nest of comparing.

Princeton but not pro

Take tennis. I played extensively throughout my childhood and then varsity for four years at Princeton where I rose to number two on the team. Not bad, right? Wrong.

A guy I beat when we were 12, rose to number one in America in both the 14 and 16 and under divisions. I didn’t even qualify to play in the nationals! He went on to USC where he won the NCAA individual doubles title and reached a world high ranking of number 21 in doubles. So compared to him, I’m a bum!

How about Washington politics? Don’t get me started. I began as a legislative assistant to a congressman. Not bad, right? Wrong…when compared to others my age who worked for more powerful congressmen. Then I became a lobbyist and made good money…But others made a heckuva lot more.

The Hollywood comparing game

My last stop was Hollywood, Shangri-La for masters of the comparing game. I got a job on season four of The West Wing and was part of the writing staff that won the Emmy for Best Drama Series that year. Pretty nifty, huh?

Not compared to those on the staff who got asked back for season five (I didn’t) who made more money than I did and got a big career boost.

Compare, compare, compare.

I’ll never forget what my dad, a former Fortune 500 CEO, used to tell me:

“Don’t worry about what everybody else in the office is doing. Just focus on doing your best and you’ll be fine.”

Another hugely powerful expression of this concept comes from Tom Brady, the greatest football player of all time, who said:

“I Never Once in My Life Ever Said I Wanted to Be the Best of All Time. Ever. I Wanted to Be the Best I Could Be, Period…It Didn’t Matter What the Other Guys Were Doing. It Mattered What I Was Doing.”

So hugely important! Focus on what YOU are doing. Why? Because it’s the only thing you can control.

Drop the comparing and improve at everything

When we place 100 percent of our focus on what WE’RE doing, and not comparing or competing or wasting energy worrying about everybody else, guess what?

We become the best we can be. In anything. Football, golf, piano, computer coding, car sales…everything.

The bottom line is that there’s always going to be someone with more tennis titles, more power, more money, more Substack subscribers, a better body, better car, smarter kids, and on down the line.

If we don’t compare, then what do we do?

The obvious question is: If I don’t compare myself to others doing what I’m doing, how will I know how I’m doing? You won’t. There’s no need to know how you’re doing.

Just place all of your focus on getting the most out of you. Who gives a shit what everyone else is doing?

Comparing ourselves to others is a monumental energy suck. It’s all bad, no good.

Two approaches to curb comparing

Fine. So we’ve established what comparing looks like and that it is not healthy for us. Is there a more concrete approach to dealing with this other than just telling ourselves not to do it?

Yes. I’ve narrowed it down to two approaches: Direct and indirect. We need to do both at the same time.

The chief ingredient in the direct approach is, as usual, committing to becoming aware when we compare ourselves to others. After becoming aware that we’re comparing, take a few seconds and relax…and let it go.

The indirect approach is far more important and beneficial. What it involves is asking ourselves, Why am I comparing myself to others in the first place?

Secure people don’t compare

If we felt secure in our own skin, we wouldn’t care whether someone had a better job, a better car or a better butt.

And no big surprise, the reason we’re insecure and compare can be laid at the feet of those pesky egos of ours. It’s all those impressions we’ve stored in our lower selves over our lifetime that manifest in things like comparing, judging, jealousy and all the rest.

So the indirect approach involves the gradual weakening of the ego by letting go of all those impressions. Once we do that, there’ll be no need to compare ourselves to anybody or anything.

The takeaway

The comparing dragon can’t be slayed in a day. Or a month. We’ve been comparing our entire lives so patience will be needed if we are to eliminate it.

The key? Vigilance. We have to be vigilant about becoming aware when we’re comparing.

And we won’t become vigilant and commit to the work unless and until we realize and acknowledge that there is only downside and no upside to comparing.

If nothing else, I hope this article has convinced you of that.