You Want to Feel Better and Lighter? Stop Judging People
This one's a sure thing, folks.
We do it so much. And we don’t even realize it.
Do what?
Judge people. Off and on, all day. Every day.
What do I mean by judging?
Let’s say you meet someone at a dinner party. On the way home you and your spouse dish:
“I liked her, but I’m not sure. Part of me thinks she’s really cool, but part of me thinks she could be a huge bitch.”
“Yeah. She’s got a Prada purse and if those earrings are real, they’re worth thousands. But I did like the fact that she meditates.”
“But did you see how much cleavage she was showing? My god. I’ll bet she meditates in the nude!”
“Ha, ha!”
At which point you high-five each other then turn your dish/kibbitz/gossip/judging session to the woman’s husband. And off you go on your next judge-a-thon.
We all judge
We all do it. Constantly sizing people up.
She’s smart. He’s dumb.
He’s fat so he’s probably lazy. She’s beautiful so I’ll bet she’s a conceited jerk…or just an idiot…or both.
And I know. It can be fun to dish. Many people connect over their dishing.
But the point of this article is this: Judging does all harm and no good…TO THE JUDGER. Sure, it does no good for the people you’re judging, either, but I’m not even concerned with that.
As I’ve written many times, the purpose of my writing is to help you feel better and have more peace inside. Yes, that often results in becoming a better, more virtuous human being, but that is ancillary to my primary objective.
Bottom line: I’m not writing this to judge your judging. I’m writing it because YOU will feel better the less you judge.
I have one solid, admittedly anecdotal, data point on this from which I can extract vital information: Me.
I’ve been meditating regularly and working hard on my spiritual growth for several years now, but before that I was as judgmental as the next person.
Judgment in Hollywood
For several years I was a writer in Hollywood for shows like The West Wing and many others. Those jobs require sitting in a conference room most of the day dealing with roughly ten other writers.
It’s a judgmentalist’s dream.
Writer A is funny but tries too hard. Writer B is an arrogant a-hole who sucks up to the boss and treats everyone else like crap. Writer C has no talent; how the heck did he even get hired?
Yuck. It’s a monumental energy suck.
What happens when we stop judging
I can honestly say that one of the top benefits I’ve reaped from my years of spiritual work has been the vast reduction in how much I judge others.
How would I describe that benefit? Is it some loose, amorphous, intangible, ineffable, spiritual “thing?”
No, it’s tangible and practical. The benefit is that I feel lighter inside. Judging stuffs our insides with gobs of negative baggage. If you stop doing it, I guarantee you’ll feel lighter and better inside.
Why we judge
Before we get to how we can cut down on it, it’s critical that we ask, why does everybody judge so much? And I mean everybody.
It’s mostly because we need to feed our egoic, insecure selves that crave the need to feel superior to others. If we’re being honest, would any of us judge others constantly if we felt completely secure in our own skin? No.
But there’s another less obvious but equally impactful reason that we judge: Because we’ve been doing it for as long as we can remember. In other words, we do it simply because it’s a habit.
And the good news there is that if we get into a habit of doing something, we can work to kick that habit.
How to stop
Which leads to the next question: What can we do to curb our judging?
First, we need to become aware of how injurious judging is. Then we have to decide that we want to kick the habit.
Once we’ve done that, we set an intention to become aware when we’re judging. This is key. It’s all about becoming aware.
Then comes a critical step, taken from the playbook of the great Eckhart Tolle. Eckhart’s view is that every being on earth as it some level of conscious development. Tolle and the Dalai Lama are way farther along the path of conscious awakening than most of us, yours truly included.
Some people’s level of consciousness is low. Like that guy at the office who’s married but hits on every woman at work. Or the dad at the little league baseball game who’s constantly yelling at the umpire. You get the drift.
So when somebody does something that infuriates or bothers you and you feel your judgment muscles revving up to attack, stop. Then say to yourself,
“This person is at his/her level of consciousness at this point in their life. I don’t like how they’re acting, but I wish them well in their journey.”
It’s not about condescending
This isn’t meant to be an act of condescension. You’re not saying,
“Oh, you poor soul that is inferior to me as a human being, I wish you well.”
It’s not about who’s better or worse. That’s what Michael Singer calls ‘spiritual ego.’
Also, you’re not lying to yourself or denying the reality of who that person is at this point. The dad yelling at the umpire is, objectively speaking, a jerk. You’re just saying,
“Hey, that’s where he is right now in his development. Maybe his dad yelled at the umpires when he was a kid.”
It also doesn’t mean you need to try and befriend him and see if he wants to grab lunch after the game. If you want to help people like that, great.
The takeaway
The point of this exercise is getting you to stop ginning up a bunch of negative energy about other people. Because that energy stays with YOU. That’s the baggage judgment creates that YOU carry around.
So do yourself, and the world, a favor and cut down on the judging.
It will make you feel lighter.
Guaranteed.
Nice column David. This is indeed a tough and important challenge. That said, it's especially tough when you are a columnist required to write opinions, as I have been for a good chunk of my career😀!
Oh man … when I saw this land in my inbox, all I could of is: Does Dave have a list of Jackie’s subpar behavior or is she just afflicted by nearly everything he writes on, which means that she has SO MUCH mindfulness work to do!?! Good news, I saw how judgmental I was and how much it led me to (unfairly) make (terrible) and totally incorrect first impressions on others long before I got sick. I’ve been working at this for a while and can say practice makes better! And yes, I feel much lighter when I give it a “meh,” they’re doing their best and there’s a lot I don’t know. I’ll accept the person as is and try to not pass judgment! And I can only hope others give me that same grace and pass.