Most Relationships Are Based on: ‘You put up with my crap and I’ll put up with yours.’

I have a much better, healthier deal you can make with your partner.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Since fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and a good chunk of the other half are comprised of people who are more than a couple French fries short of a Happy Meal, it’s worth taking a look at what the spiritual approach offers in this area.

And it’s not just marriage, either. We’re talking about boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, too.

First, let’s examine the common, ‘You put up with my crap and I’ll put up with yours,’ mode. Most people look at this as the unselfish, noble course.

“We all have problems. We all screw up. Nobody’s perfect. So let’s just cut each other some slack.”

At its core, it’s about coping with our partner’s emotional baggage. Sounds healthy, right?

Well, it’s healthier than two people lashing out at each other when their baggage arises.

But no. Putting up with each other’s inner garbage isn’t healthy, either. Why?

Because it perpetuates and exacerbates the most injurious malady plaguing humankind: The emotional baggage itself.

The path is about letting go

The bottom line is that the spiritual path isn’t about coping with our egoic baggage; it’s about letting it go.

So the ‘I’ll take your crap if you take mine’ approach actually 1. Sets both partners back in their growth, and 2. Misses an invaluable opportunity – letting it all go.

The truth is that relationships can either provide the ideal setting for liberating ourselves or, if not handled well (far more common), can be the stage for total, personal decimation.

The healthier agreement

Okay, so taking each other’s crap isn’t the best way. What is? What is this healthy agreement we can make going into a relationship?

This:

“I’ll help you let go of your stuff and you help me let go of mine.”

Of course, it’s not that simple. Or easy.

Why? Because letting go of our stuff, as salutary as it is, can often feel like death. Because it is.

Letting go is painful

What dies? Our psychological self, AKA the ego. All the identities we’ve formulated since childhood have to die.

That’s what it means to liberate ourselves from ourselves. We have to die to be reborn, as Michael Singer often says. And that often involves psychic pain.

Now, I’ll admit, it can be tricky for a partner to help their partner let go of egoic baggage. Why? Because that partner is often, VERY OFTEN, the person holding up the mirror to us revealing that baggage.

The shut down guy example

For example, if part of your baggage is that you became aloof and emotionally shut down as a kid in order to drown out the dysfunctionality of your family, and then as an adult you sit in your BarcaLounger drinking Budweisers and watching football for six straight hours without saying a single word to your wife, she is going to be the one holding up the mirror to you and saying,

“I kind of feel invisible here, pal. Six hours and not a word…”

Especially if her dad also made her feel invisible because he was shut down!

You get the drift. This helping each other let go thing has to be handled delicately.

In the above example, it can’t be the wife saying,

“I am so over this. I might as well be married to a bump on a log. You are just thoroughly and completely shut down.”

And then storming out of the house to go vent to her best friend over a bottle of chardonnay.

That’s employing option #3 of 3: Refusing to put up with your partner’s crap.

So, how can we facilitate our partner in letting go of their stuff?

The three step process

It’s three steps:

First, identify what your stuff is.

Second, communicate that to your partner. Any couple that’s been together for any significant length of time probably has a good idea of the other’s issues. Selfish, naggy, shut down, temperamental, fearful, overly sensitive...But clarifying those issues with each other is essential.

Third, tell them you want their help in letting this stuff go when it comes up, in as delicate a manner as possible so as not to set you off! This is critical. You need to let your partner know how you would like them to handle it when your stuff comes up.

Here’s an example to illustrate. As a kid I developed a propensity toward pouting and shutting down when I got upset. Most people get mad and act out as kids. I shut down and stewed.

The roots of this? I’m not entirely sure, but as the youngest of six, I often felt like nobody listened to me anyway so why put up a fight? This carried on into adulthood in my relationships.

Remaining upset is a choice

But I learned an invaluable lesson from my favorite teacher, Michael Singer, which is that when we feel upset about something, it’s not the fault of any person or situation. They didn’t cause us to feel upset. Our response to what they did caused the upset.

It’s about turning things back on ourselves. Not in a negative way. We’re not blaming ourselves for feeling badly. And we’re not condoning the behavior of our spouse, boss, friend, etc., that upset us.

We’re just saying that we are feeling upset because of how we’re responding.

How it works in my marriage

How does that apply in my marriage? My wife has seen me get mad, usually at her or our kids, countless times. And she has seen that I can hold onto the upset and that it’s one of my issues.

Many times I’ll catch myself holding on to upset feelings and say to myself,

“This mood I’m in is not on Steph/the kids. It’s on me. I’m holding on to it. So let it go. For my sake.”

But I’ve also told her to tell me that if she sees me holding on and pouting/stewing and to remind me that that is on me. As long as she says it from a place of help rather than rancor, it can go a long way in helping me let go. All she has to say when she sees me stewing is something like,

“Remember what you yourself have said. You feeling like this isn’t on me/the kids. It’s on you…See if you can let it go. Not for us. For you.”

This is so worth trying as the upside is massive. Maybe try starting with each of you picking just one issue each. And when that issue arises, help the other let it go.

The takeaway

The most loving thing we can do for our partner is to aid them in the most important endeavor humans can partake in: Letting go of our stuff.

All it takes is some communication in the beginning and then commitment.

Why not help each other do something so central to our overall well-being?

In fact, why not make it a cornerstone of your relationship?