Michael Singer's Teaching About the Exhausting Tug of War Lives We Lead
And the simple, four-step solution.
My favorite spiritual teacher Michael Singer has offered his tug of war teaching in several talks I’ve listened to. As usual, it is pithy, powerful and wise.
Let’s get into it with this from my AI pal:
“A tug of war is a competitive sporting game where two teams pull on opposite ends of a rope, each trying to drag the other across a center line. Metaphorically, it refers to any intense power struggle or conflict where two parties compete for control or dominance.”
Winning a tug of war requires strength, energy, and determination.
Most of us Earthlings live our lives this way. Only, instead of equal numbers of people on each team, it’s us on one end and “the world” on the other.
What do I mean by “the world”?
- Dealing with the constant push and pull that comes with marriage.
- Driving in heavy traffic while we desperately try to get to work for an important client presentation.
- Battling it out every day at work with a colleague you don’t like who’s vying for the same promotion.
- Fighting subterranean battles with your passive-aggressive mother-in-law when she comes over for dinner every Sunday.
- Navigating the lion’s den of loony tunes moms and dads at your kid’s preschool.
It’s the world that we deal with every day. And most of us fight our worlds like it’s a tug of war.
The good news is that sometimes we’re successful in pulling the world our way. We get the promotion. You get along with your mother-in-law at Thanksgiving. You and your spouse go through a good phase.
We never win long-term
The bad news is that this never, and I mean never, lasts. After a while, we’re inevitably back to straining hard to, at the very least, hold our ground against the world.
And what is that like? The constant battling, tugging and pulling against the world? A few words come to mind.
Exhausting.
Frustrating.
Dispiriting.
Fine. So we’re all fighting this exhausting battle against the world. Straining with all of our might to pull the rope our way.
The four-step solution
That brings us to the question at hand: What’s the solution?
I’m happy to tell you that there is one. And it’s simple:
Let go of the rope.
What?
Yes. Let go of the rope. Stop battling with the world. In fact…
Surrender.
As in quit? Give up on life?
Surrender isn’t quitting
Hell no. Surrendering is the opposite of giving up on life. In fact, it’s the most life-affirming act we can take.
But if we let go of the rope, what about that competition at work for the promotion? And trying to fit in with the moms at preschool? And managing our marriage? Those all take energy and work, don’t they?
Yes, they do. But not the kind of work and energy required of the tug of war strategy.
Then how do we handle these situations? Instead of tugging and straining, we work on relaxing into the moments of our lives. And we accept the reality of our situations, rather than resisting them.
Dealing with the weaselly sycophant
That annoying competitor of yours at work who’s constantly sucking up to the boss? He or she is who they are and you’re not going to change them.
What good does it do you to skulk around the office every day fantasizing about how you’d love to key their car? Answer: It not only does you no good, it does you loads of harm by flooding your psyche with negative energy.
What to do instead? Put 100 percent of your focus and energy at work on performing your work.
And your annoying mother-in-law? Again, accept her for who she is, know you’re not going to change her and do your best to remain present when you’re around her.
The ego wants us to tug
Finally, be cognizant of the fact that most of the time we’re tugging and straining against the world, it is our drama-loving, selfish, me-me-me, I-I-I ego that is directing us to do so. Letting go of the rope is akin to letting go of the ego’s hold over us.
So step #1 in our solution is to let go of the rope.
What’s step #2? Don’t pick up the rope again.
When life, and your ego, tries to lure you into picking up the rope and resuming the battle, don’t do it. Relax and let the rope sit on the ground.
But hey, we’ve all been fighting and tugging for many, many years, so odds are we’re going to pick up the rope again at some point. We’re not going to kick that habit in a day.
No, we’re not. So when we pick up the rope again…
Step #3 is to simply become aware that we’ve picked up the rope again.
“Oops, there I go again. Ruminating about how much I hate Gerald in the next cubicle.”
Which leads to step #4: Let go of the rope again.
And that’s it. Repeat steps 1–4. Over and over.
With time, the periods between picking up the rope will increase. Until one day you realize, “Wow, I can’t remember the last time I picked up the rope…”
The takeaway
Here’s a practical way to use this. The next time you find yourself tensed up, frustrated or pissed off about some battle you’re in, picture in your mind straining to pull the rope toward you.
And then…
In your mind’s eye…
Let go of the rope.
Take a few deep breaths. Relax. And respond to the situation from a state of presence.
You win.
Meditation helps us realize that we are not in control of our next thought, let alone our breathing or the beating of our hearts.
You were never holding the rope.
Sit back and watch the theater around you unfold.
And one day - just maybe - when it is ready, your body-mind may be ready to let go the rope as well.
— The Marketplace Mystic
This is so good! I just got out of counseling and this was the first thing I read. I spent a solid hour on Jackie’s greatest hits of: I’m (sadly) not a lawyer anymore, who am I, where do I fit in? When all I had to do was boil it down to your one sentence: “And we accept the reality of our situations, rather than resisting them.“ Steps 1-4, I can do this!